World exclusive: Heathrow to launch Brexit retail and food & beverage zone : Moodie Davitt Report

UK. Heathrow Airport is this week launching a pioneering pop-up Brexit retail, dining and experiential zone at Terminal 5 that can be adapted to the many possible outcomes of the UK’s torturous exit from the European Union.

With deep uncertainty pervading when, how and perhaps even if Britain will leave the EU, Heathrow Airport said that its commercial offer needed to be highly adaptable in the face of fast-changing circumstances.

Asked how long the zone would remain open, a Heathrow spokesman told The Moodie Davitt Report that in the event of a soft Brexit, the concessions would run only for a transitional period. If a hard Brexit occurs, the area will become a permanent fixture, though featuring separate check-out counters for British and EU citizens, he said.

The F&B area contains an innovative line-up of airport firsts. Heathrow has partnered with FAB Award-winning Irish airport F&B concessionaire Marqette, for example, to open two outlets – ‘The Irish Backstop’, a Northern Irish-themed casual dining restaurant whose open plan design can be quickly adapted to include a hard border (probably plywood) between it and a neighbouring Guinness bar positioned a few metres to the south.

FAB Award-winning Dublin airport restaurateur Marqette is sure to offer plenty of cross-border appeal at Heathrow.

“While we initially envisage free movement between the two outlets, we have to be ready with a backstop plan,” the spokesman said. “We were going to choose two operators but ultimately, influenced by our EU friends, opted for a single Marqette model.”

The Backstop restaurant’s signage has been developed to mirror a protest march.

Internal design, created by London-based The Design Solution, will convey a strong sense of place about Britain.

In the event of a hard border being created between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland, Heathrow said it had issued a tender for European security staff to man the zone between the two competing F&B outlets, subsequently awarding the contract to a Prague firm. “So, yes, there will be security Czechs,” the Heathrow spokesman confirmed.

The Backstop’s menu will vary daily according to how political developments are shaping. ‘Soft breakfast, featuring raw eggs (the ‘Soft Breggxit’), underdone toast and large doses of May-bull syrup, will be the staple fare if the UK Prime Minister’s proposed deal looks like being accepted.

The ‘soft Breggxit’ is one of the Irish Backstop’s most alluring dishes.

The Brexit F&B zone will offer a range of options designed both for European and British palates. [Picture: Arthur Charpentier@freakonometrics]

As EU ‘no deal’ exit day of 12 April nears, a ‘Hard Breakfast’ offering may be introduced, featuring a combo of Eton Mess, burnt Irish grits, Brussels sprouts, and spoiled English porridge, reflecting the cereal disaster that Brexit has become. British Brains (scrambled) might be added, the spokesman said, “but only if things turn out really offal.”

A lunchtime Indian food offer will offer a choice of Dal or No Dal dishes, again varying according to the state of negotiations. For a more premium option, Caviar House & Prunier is opening a temporary outlet called ‘The Norway Model’, offering farmed Stavanager salmon topped with sauce from EU apples (thus maintaining the core principles of a single market); Dover sole for those remainers who crave a sense of plaice; and, for leavers, smoked u-kippers.

A smaller outlet called Lisbon Treaties will provide just desserts for British ‘leave’ voters, while ‘Brexit at Tiffany’s’ will offer bewildered American travellers welcome respite before returning home to their own political madness.

The shopping offer features a range of options to cover all possible Brexit outcomes. They include:

Article Thrifty: The UK’s first airport pop-up charity shop offers a range of second-hand clothes specially targeted at UK travellers whose British Pound will soon prove worthless overseas.
Johnson & Johnson: An intriguing tie-up between Conservative Party politicians Boris and Jo Johnson and the renowned US healthcare company of the same name. It will offer a curated travel-exclusive line-up from the American’s firm’s range, including Boris Johnson Baby Oil, described as “the ultimate expression of a slippery politician”; men’s hair restorer Regaine, rebranded as Remain (modelled, quite badly it must be said, by Brexiteer and former British Prime Minister Iain Duncan Smith); Banned-Aid to help patch up the country’s wounds; Tylenol to ease Brexit-related headaches that are affecting virtually the entire British population; and Zyrtec, which relieves allergy symptoms brought on by dust, mould, pet dander, tree pollen and Theresa May. It is available in dissolving tabs and tablets, but with deference to customs restrictions, not in liquid gel form.
Oliver Peoples: After a hotly contested open tender, the American eyewear brand owned by Luxottica shaded the bidding battle to operate this luxury sunglasses boutique. “Our selection committee was split between this and a rival’s offer which was also in the frame,” explained a Heathrow spokesman. “But in keeping with our Brexit theme, it all came down to a Peoples vote.”
A toast to British sovereignty: Heathrow is introducing a pop-up outlet to sell the popular breakfast staple. [Picture: David Baddiel, Twitter]
Born and bread in Britain: A bakery shop offering scones, bread pudding and Chelsea buns. An adjacent outlet will sell toast – using a pop-up format.
The Nose have it, the Nose have it: A new entrepreneurial offering from the Speaker of the UK House of Commons John Bercow who is reportedly seeking to diversify his career base, this innovative twin-door, dual check-out boutique perfumery offers an olfactory wonderland of British and European scents. They include Eau Won’t You Stay (for remainers), a travel retail exclusive from French beauty maison Lancôme; and Spring Leaves, a new line from British house Creed for hard-line Brexiteers scenting success. But you have to choose one or the other or you’ll be in edt (extra deep trouble). Possibly the only place where you’ll find any British scents this year.
Where’s Jeremy? A new WHSmith boutique offering a range of books and related memorabilia dedicated to a contemporary variation of the Where’s Wally? puzzle books created by English illustrator Martin Handford. The new editions challenge readers young and old to solve the fiendishly difficult task of identifying Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn’s position in a series of increasingly messy scenes

The operators of the Where’s Jeremy? Heathrow boutique (@**WheresCorbyn**) are paying homage to the Where’s Wally series below. But this time the process of identification is a whole lot harder.

‘MORE THAN YOU IMAGINED’

Duty free has not been forgotten. In the event of a hard Brexit, Dufry-controlled World Duty Free will open a large ‘new generation’ store offering special promotions to EU-bound passengers, announcing a return to duty free. ‘EU’ll just love our prices’ is the launch tagline from the staunchly neutral Swiss company (at Dufry’s Liverpool John Lennon Airport store the theme has been amended to ‘EU’ll never walkthrough alone’).

However, in the event of a soft Brexit (meaning the UK remaining part of a Customs Union with the EU for a transition period through to 31 December 2020), the store will only be able to sell duty paid goods to such passengers. In this case the retailer plans to come clean about the heftier pricepoints by heavily promoting its highly appropriate “More than you imagined” tagline.

World Duty Free will use it’s “More than you imagined” tagline to explain higher prices in case duty free does not return.

However, the Moodie Davitt Report can exclusively reveal that, in the event of a transition period, Dufry has hatched plans for an innovative pre-order scheme, through which EU-bound passengers can order their duty free goods now and pick up later. Much later. This is expected to benefit the wine category mostly, due to the extra maturation period involved.

The Brexit zone will not be confined to British-themed offers. A special EU delicatessen is expected to prove particularly popular with European travellers and British remainers. It will offer a Heathrow exclusive Mac(a)ron range, German smoked Merkelrel; and for less health-conscious consumers, a wide range of Jean-Claude juncker food.

After today’s announcement The Moodie Davitt Report spoke exclusively to Heathrow Airport Director of Experiential Brexit and Consumer Liaison Engagement (DEBACLE), Chris P. Bacon about the initiative.

The Moodie Davitt Report: Chris, it’s a bold move to introduce such a politically charged offer. What was the thinking behind it?

Chris P. Bacon: It’s quite simple Martin. Heathrow Airport is the leading gateway to the United Kingdom and it’s important that we reflect what our society stands for.

Chaos?

Precisely.

So, you’re not worried about confusing your customers?

No, that’s our very intention. Whether they’re arriving or departing, people have to feel that Heathrow is part of Britain. And with this mix of Remain and Leave-focused offers, disharmony and ever-changing rules, we feel that we’re achieving just that.

You have some fascinating product offers in there. I do like the ‘Irish Backstop’ offer very much.

Thank you, we feel it has true cross-border appeal.

Will you also offer lunch and dinner there?

No, breakfast means breakfast!

Looking at the menu, I notice Rees-Mogg water biscuits on the menu.

That’s right.

Jacob’s Crackers?

He certainly is but we shouldn’t go there.

Do you think having dual check-out areas for British and EU citizens in the event of a hard Brexit will prove divisive?

We certainly hope so, but at the same time it’s designed to keep the peace. We may even introduce a third check-out for frustrated remainers.

Won’t that make the British a laughing stock?

We already are. Again, we’re just trying to create a sense of place Martin.